Tis' the Season to be... Jolly?

I think probably most people have fond memories of this time of year from childhood. Even if you didn’t celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or anything like that, there was still time off, still time spent with family, still this atmosphere, at least in the States where I grew up, of togetherness, reconnecting, rekindling, sharing with one another, eating, giving gifts, the movies, the food, the music, the decorations, the lights. That odd mix of neon holiday lights with earth tones that somehow works even though it shouldn’t. All of it. It’s a vibe. And it’s a vibe that’s often associated with good feelings.

Then you grow up and things start to change. For a lot of us things really do change. Those of us who don’t have families of our own yet or whose families are spread across the country or across the world start to feel this time of year becoming a lot less warm and a lot more angst ridden.

Then there are these seasonal phenomena that happen around this time of year, it’s actually kind of fascinating, if not also incredibly sad; cuffing season and breakup season. Two opposite things that show up at the same time. Cuffing season is when people who might not otherwise get together suddenly decide to pair up for the winter. Breakup season is when couples start ending things around the holidays.

For a long time people thought these were just jokes or anecdotal, but there’s actual research on them now. Psychologists have noted spikes in relationship instability right before the holidays and on the other side people seeking companionship more aggressively in the winter months. Part of that split seems to come from the pressure that the holidays put on relationships themselves; meeting each other’s families, navigating expectations, buying gifts, dealing with financial stress. All of that amplifies anxieties that might have been simmering beneath the surface. Add in existing family dynamics or family drama and the tension can really snowball.

All of that seems to be tied to the broader phenomenon of seasonal depression. It’s like two opposite reactions to the same thing. Those who aren’t in relationships go seeking one. Those who are in relationships start to fixate on everything that’s wrong with the one they have.

I’ve experienced versions of this myself. And I’ve struggled through the years with seasonal depression. I definitely think part of it is this huge unspoken pressure about how you’re supposed to feel during this time of year. You look around and think everyone else is having this incredible time while you’re not. Part of it is probably nostalgia, remembering how things used to be when you were a kid.

But, for a lot of people it’s something much much harder. For some, many, I would venture to guess, family’s not a safe place. For many, family’s actually the opposite. The anxiety of being pressured by society and by relatives to reunite with people who’ve harmed you is not an enjoyable prospect.

Then there’s the weather. Which is probably a smaller part of the equation but it definitely contributes. There’s medical research that treats Seasonal Affective Disorder as an actual diagnosable condition. Lack of daylight, shifting circadian rhythms, serotonin drops in the winter. It’s real.

My first recommendation to people, and this is based off my own experience and what helps me, is to do your best to spend time doing the things you love and with the people who you feel really care about you. Lean into whatever warmth you can find.

The next piece of advice, and feel free to take this with a grain of salt because I’m in the coffee business, is to drink more coffee. I don’t know, it works for me. Coffee makes me happy. And for me, it isn’t really the caffeine itself. It’s the act of having a cup of coffee with someone, or with a group of people. Coffee has always been a community builder, a social lubricant, a way of reminding ourselves that we’re not alone. We find companionship around a table, or in a café, or in someone’s home, simply by sharing a cup. That’s a big part of why it helps. And there’s research to back that up… there’s also research indicating that for a lot of people coffee actually increases anxiety… so for those people yeah don’t do it.

But all that said, wink wink, if you want some coffee I know a guy.

The last thing I’ll say here, and this is my biggest piece of very practical advice to anyone reading this, is to learn basic mindfulness meditation. It’s a practice that was developed, in it’s current form, by Jon Kabat Zinn, based on ancient practices obviously. But, what he did, was decouple meditation from its religious components and make it accessible to people who didn’t necessarily have any interest in Eastern spirituality or Eastern religion. For better or for worse that’s exactly what made it available to people like me and to millions of others. He started this work in the nineteen seventies and there’s now a massive amount of research on these exercises as he laid them out. Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and other mindfulness programs have been studied for decades and the benefits are well documented. Lower anxiety, lower stress, improvements in mood, reductions in depression including seasonal patterns of depression, and better emotional regulation in general. It’s actually standard for many hospitals across the world to offer mindfulness meditation programs especially for people dealing with chronic pain.

With all that in mind, I thought for this month’s blog it might be nice to walk you through a really short version of it. Something you can do right now. It’ll just take thirty seconds.

Bring your attention to your breath. You don’t have to breathe deeply. Just breathe how you naturally breathe.

Give it ten seconds.

Bring your attention to the weight of your body where you’re seated.

Fifteen seconds.

Bring your attention to your toes.

Fifteen seconds.

Bring your attention to your fingertips.

Then bring your attention back to your breath.

That’s it. That’s the whole practice in a nut shell. When you do it regularly, even for a minute a day, it can really have unbelievable benefits.

It’s important also to note that this practice isn’t really meant to be something you just pull out of your back pocket when you get stressed. That’s not exactly the way it work. The purpose is to make it a consistent part of your day regardless of how you’re feeling. If you keep consistent practice, even if it’s short, it’ll have massive benefits in every aspect of your life. And you’ll find, when you do have those anxious or stressful moments, you are quite simply much more equipped to address them skillfully.

This time of year is complicated. For some people it’s wonderful. For others it’s heavy. We can’t always control the season or the nostalgia or the expectations or the weather or the memories. But we can choose where we place our energies. We can choose how we breathe and who we lean toward and the things that bring us warmth.

Happy holidays everyone.